Dr B told me to do something nice for myself every day. He told me to do something that made me happy. He told me this.
The problem is, I simply don’t feel happy. Nothing makes me happy right now. What even is ‘happy’ anyway? How can I make myself happy?
Everything costs money and I’m signed off work for two weeks and worried about money as it is. My body is cold and aching and the anti-depressants I’ve been put back on are going through me.
I should go for a walk.
Maybe I should go for a drive?
Perhaps I should get to the gym?
But can I think of something I can do today that will make me happy? The pressure is on.
To-do: Make myself happy today.
DO IT, DAMN YOU!
I want someone to come along with a magic wand, a happiness spell and TA-DAAAA! There you go. I’m happy.
Right now I’m just tired of everything.
I’m tired of thinking.
I’m tired of trying.
I’m tired of talking.
Not in an I want to sleep kind of way but in a…. I don’t even know. I’m too tired to know.
It took all my strength to pull myself out of bed. I had all the right intentions of getting up, getting ready and getting out.
I need to make myself happy
I made my bed as all the self-help, new habit rules say you should, following the lines of thinking that ‘If you do nothing else productive you’ve at least made your bed,’ and ‘if you make your bed you’ll be less likely* to want to ruin your work by crawling back into it.’
I’m writing this after crawling back into my bed after my shower. The shower during which I flooded my bathroom, which turned the volume up on my inner bitch’s cruel jibes that I’m no good at anything right now.
All I want to do is drink hot tea in or on my bed, reading books and writing stuff, not trying to work out what I need to do to be happy.
Wait, what now?
“All I want to do is drink hot tea in or on my bed, reading books and writing stuff, not trying to work out what I need to do to be happy.“
Cue the lightbulb moment, people!
Today, doing nothing, planning nothing, forcing myself to do nothing is what will make me happy.
That’s the nice thing for myself.
For today, that’s how I will make myself happy.
Just for today, I will allow myself to read and write and just to BE.
For today, I remove the pressures of what I should be and ought to be and must be doing and I WILL BE DOUGH.
Yes. You did read that right.
Today I will be dough
Everyone goes through life when their bodies ache, their heads hurt, their hearts feel empty and their souls are in pain.
Life has a way of beating the very air out of us, punching us in the guts and pummelling us inside out and back to front, making us wonder how much more we can possibly take.
We are the dough and life is the baker. The baker (life) wants us to be the best we can be, so the baker throws in some ingredients (experiences), then gets to work on the development and production. This doesn’t involve a gentle stirring of said ingredients, but an all-in, get-right-in-there kneading of them all. Some ingredients are subtle and barely there, others are overwhelmingly present. It all needs working at and balancing out. Less flour? More water? A tiny bit of sugar to help the yeast along?
And you know what else the dough needs that is vital to its health and growth? The thing that brings the best, hottest, most fantastic end product to the table?
Before dough can rise it needs to rest.
I don’t need to rush through the process of this journey.
I will regain my strength.
I will rise.
I will be okay.
Eventually, I’ll be thriving.
But for today I will be dough.
Because kneads must.
(I am so sorry, I could not resist. Please don’t hate me…)
Let’s dough it….
(Okay, that’s all, really and I promise and I’m so, so sorry….)